It is a rainy day where I am. How about for you? I hope that whatever it is, that you're enjoying it. I know what it is like to not enjoy the weather, and it is not fun.
To be honest though, I like the rain. Which is quite obvious if you have ever read any of my earlier posts. I say that quite a bit. But, you probably never come on my blog. So no big deal.
I tend to write about me a lot. Which is a little boring for most people. To be honest, I understand completely if you are not into my writing. It is just a bunch of ranting and occasionally a few college papers I wrote. So I get it. No body wants to hear negative things. Everyones always going for the positive. And its not that I am negative, because I am positive on life. Its just that I have this weird tendency to hate negativity. So I try and get rid of it as fast as possible, through my blog. That is why I got a blog after all. Was to get my ideas out of my head and write them down. This way, I can look back and reminisce, or I can get rid of it and never think of it again.
This blog isn't so much about negativity, but it is about confusion. Confusion that I have been facing the past few years of my life. And I would just love it if my brain could figure it out.
You see, I have no idea what I want out of life. I know that I just finished getting a diploma in Public Relations, but I don't even know if I want to do that. I want to be a writer because I am in love with the written word. It blows me away.
I am also in love with philosophy. It really does calm me down sometimes, to know that I am not the only person who thinks crazy thoughts. Because sometimes I feel like I am the only one of my kind. I feel like I am the only one who questions things, and is not satisfied with a short and most convenient answer. And I love dark things, like space and what is beyond. Like gothic/romanticism periods (philosophy buffs know what I mean).
I wish that I could just figure stuff out like philosophers could. But everytime I get stuck on a question, no one really cares. I mean we do after all live in an era where if it is electronic it is cool, and if it is a thought process it stinks. Controversy was not invented by Lady Gaga people, even though she may be a genious at it. There are more things to life then Gucci handbags and Prada, and when you die and you get up before the row of judges, they wont let you into heaven just because you have cute shoes. So you should probably change your ways a little if that is how you feel.
Sometimes I think I am crazy, but then I realize that I am not the crazy one. I am the one who is determined to find a bigger meaning to life, and to me that is not crazy. Crazy is sitting back and going a long for the ride. To me, crazy is not caring about the bigger questions. To me crazy is sitting in a cubicle with a dead-end job not living your dream. Like me, and I hate it. But I am slowly starting to conform, and it scares me. I used to be a free spirited kind of girl, one who didn't have a care for designer handbags and what those around her thought of her obsession with science fiction and standing out, but now I do. Now I clutch my joys to my chest like a secret. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be able to speak my mind and not care.
This is why I am confused, because I don't know what is real and what isn't. Because I have no idea who I am or where I sit at my life. I don't have a life plan, but I already feel like I am off course. Either that or directly on course, but I have never been one to follow in a straight line.
Perhaps someone will be able to tell me, or perhaps it will be too late and I will have already gotten lost.
But that is life, isn't it?
