Lotto to Class it up;

            This evening, while walking through the isles of the grocery store, I did the unthinkable. I let my head wonder off into the clouds. Somewhere between contemplating my cravings on rice or pasta, I had a break through moment, where as I was finishing my stopping, and walking to the check-out, my heart had a little tug. We all have this moment that I experienced, in fact I am positive that we all have had it. You stand in line, trying not to look at the chocolate bars and magazines (because tempation will only win the battle between your waist line and a delicious snack) you see it. You see the blue case and flashing signs. You are drawn in to the sound of the noise the machine makes and you cannot help but look. They are starting to look really pretty, with shiny designs and cool themes. Price is right, bingo, crosswords…you cannot go wrong with which one to choose. They all are a ton-of-fun. So you think to yourself whether or not you feel lucky and if you do, do you want to chance it? Of course you do! Your not having a bad day yet, and even if you were it is just as much of a reason to buy one anyways. So you say to the cashier in a voice so sure that she wont even check your id: “I would also like to buy a lottery ticket”.

 

            BIG MISTAKE!!!!!

            Because even if you just want to play it to pass some time, it is a huge let down when you find you didn’t win. That is my story. I always take my chances and when I think that I am about to win, it plays foolish mind games and makes me FAIL horribly. And of course this upsets you. You feel like a loser because you always hear stories of people wining and you feel like you are the only one who loses. And if you think you won so you go to check it to be sure and it spells out “NOT A WINNER” On the machine’s TV, you are humiliated in front of everyone in line behind you. It is a never-ending scam put on…and you continuously buy them because you feel like you just might win this time. You just might!

 

I must be the unluckiest person in the world. I never win anything. Seriously, I don’t. Not even a ping pong game, or an xbox match. And when it comes to gambling, ha-ha! You must be joking if you think I hold wining numbers. Even with scratch tickets. I think the most in my life I have ever won was three dollars, and even then, those wining tickets come around once-in-a-blue-moon. I never win, ever. So I stopped buying them because the way I see it, I am not a lucky person. In fact, I am willing to bet that I am the unluckiest person on my street!

 

In 2002, Canadian citizens spent $597 million dollars on lottery tickets. $597 million dollars. Just like that. And out of all of those people who spent their life savings on all of these lottery tickets most of them never win, yet they continue to spend. And the odds of wining the lotto…well, let me show you the chart which was taken from a report from CBC in 2003. And my guess, is that the six year difference from today, has only made the odds of wining, harsher.

 

The odds of winning Lotto 6/49 are:

Jackpot - 6/6 numbers matched - 1 in 13,983,816

5/6 numbers + bonus matching - 1 in 2,330,636

5/6 numbers matching - 1 in 55,491

4/6 numbers matching - 1 in 1,032

   3/6 numbers matching - 1 in 57

 

            And yet we still insist on playing them? Well wop-de-do, we are all clueless.

            So unfortunately to say, the lottery just constantly lets us down, and plays with our emotions and makes us feel stupid. However there is that chance that we might just win, so we play every draw and some of us even have numbers picked out that we always play. This is getting old, and the government is raking in all of the profit and the gaming co-operation is only raking in more. And our country is in a recession. HA! Tell that to the people who won the last jackpot. We were the people who gave them the wining jackpot, with all of our sending’s on the un-wining tickets.

Life is a many tricky thing.

Life is a many tricky thing.

One minute you have as much life as a person can have. Laughing and singing and dancing. While the next moment, or sometimes even less then a moment, you find yourself at the bottom, without much hope.

Look at war for example. I never would have thought while growing up and playing house or 007 with my brother and sister that there would be a war going on in my lifetime. I never thought that my heritage or my friend’s heritage would play a role. I certainly never thought that so many of my own Canadian civilians would die while trying to serve their country.

One minute you feel as though life could never end. You feel as though nothing can stop you and the dreams that you experience every day. But like all stories, they come to an end eventually.

            I don’t mean to sound morbid, for I am not depressed and am truly a happy person, most of the time. I just don’t understand life sometimes. What is the point of life if we loose ourselves in its unbelievably unfair walls every day. Every day millions of people die when they really should not. Every day millions of people experience traumatic problems that they really shouldn’t.

Its not very fair! And if you ask me, it should not be allowed. But I am not God nor am I in any kind of position to make such a global issue stop. So unfortunately we all have to bite our teeth and try ever so hard to understand it.

We all have to grow up, right? We all have to realize that our what seemed like endless days at the school playground during recess, are over. The bell has rung. It is time to understand the truth. That there is no truth.

Life is pointless. This I know because all of the greatest philosophers would agree with you. Not pointless as in, we should all stop living. But pointless as in, there is no point. We are not put on this world to do one thing and one thing only. Fate does not simply make up our lives for us. Though some great thinkers feel that way. For the most part, it is all us. We are on our own. There may be a god watching, I have no doubts. But he has not much control over us. We are the ones who go into battle every day. And even though God made us like that, I don’t think he has any control over how we feel think or act, or the decisions that we make.

It is hard to grasp, I know. But perhaps we have this whole thing all wrong. Perhaps I was not send on this earth so that you could read this and then have it change your life (if it did then I feel sorry for you). But perhaps I am on this earth simply, to live. And to live alone. And when we get to that point, where we stare death right in the face, we will realize eventually that this is all there is. There wont be any flash of light and epiphanies screaming ‘Oh! That’s why all of this happened!’.  I don’t believe that it is the title that writes our stories for us, but what is between the lines. And I don’t think that a shoe keeper will be sent here so that he could make the queen her perfect shoes that will lead her down the isle, where she will then trip and fall, making a fool out of herself in front of all of her majesty’s party.

We write our own lives. And it better be good, because we only have a limited time to write it. Don’t we?

"Please, let me sing a thousand notes for you, so they can be lifted towards the sky, so you can hear me singing. Because I want you to know how much I miss you...I wish you could know how much I wish you were still here..."

Since you've been gone, I have not been the same. To be honest I know I never will be. Everything has changed since we were kids. I don't like it this way. It was much better then.
Everything has gone wrong. The skies are a little darker then usual, the trees are cold and they don't grow leaves anymore. It may just be the change in the weather, but I think it's also a change in my heart.

♫It's up to you now, this place is filling up with smoke. And you won't let me breathe in or out, so I resolve to cut my own throat♫



Have you ever been sad? Depressed? Trapped in these walls which you star at everyday. Wondering why you are there. Sitting. Staring. Hurting.
Wont anyone ever notice your pain? Probably not because you refuse to show it.
You don't want anyone to know how you feel. It will make you appear weak.

Scared, you look up, thinking that you'll find god. The faith you always were taught to love. But is he really there? Sometimes I believe so strongly that he is. Where other days I just don't know. I J u s t D o n t K n o w.

Is it okay if I breathe loudly? I get nervous around people sometimes. Its funny how I can sing in front of a bar full of people. And tell my whole life story through song, but I can barely put my feelings down on a note through Facebook. Why is that?

I always have this feeling that people can see through me. That they know what I am feeling, like it's written on my forehead. Even though I probably am not even showing it. I always get worried that people are judging me by what I wear, by the way I look. I know I am not pretty. But is it that obvious?

Is it okay if I cry? I have been doing that a lot lately. For the past few months anyways. Since July 2006, to be exact. Since then, I have not been alright. Matter of fact, I Don't really think I ever will be. And though I pull people close to me, I always push them away. I don't know why I do it, but I know I do. And I know that since August 31st, 2008...I have been shattered into a million pieces, I have been stuck, locked to the floor, looking up at that corner.

Is it okay if I fall in love with him? I know I am. I know he is there, I know he holds me up and keeps me sane. But I still feel like crying. I still feel like falling.
My battles are not with him, for he is perfect to me. They are with myself. I know he tries so desperately to help me, but I know he knows that he will never fix me. I have to fix myself first. But, for what it's worth, I really enjoy his company. I really hope he doesn't leave me, but knowing me, he probably will.
I love you, ♥


Is it okay if I feel like lying here for a moment? I don't feel like getting up just yet.

I really just feel like staring up at this wall for a while.

Is our world coming to an end? Are we heading toward an Armageddon that while wipe out our planet and all of its wonders? I mean, if the Mayan's believed it, then why shouldn't we? 

Think about what happened to the Dinosaurs, and the Egyptians and etc. Why not us? Maybe if there is a God out there, he believes we have become to  self-absorbed and feels we have to be ended. Or maybe, it is all a bunch of lies.

I personally can tell you that I have read many things about this 2012 phenomenon and I know that somewhere between all of the poetic prophecies and religious blunder, I think that there is more to this. I do think 2012 will happen, but I don't believe that it will wipe us out.

In my research, I have read that according to most Mayan beliefs, it does not actually say that the world is going to wiped out. If you actually read into it says that 2012 is simply the end of a cycle, and onto another one . It does say that something big will happen, but it does not actually say that it is the end of the world.

I think that this whole phenomenon will bring us a lot of things that we should be greatful for. If you have not noticed, look at all of the more 'greener' and earth friendly things there are. If you have not looked around lately, look at all of the people living for themselves, living in their moment.  I think it is a good thing that this has been sprung upon us, because it is allowing us to have great revelations. And the more talk, the more churches bring in money, and the entertainment industry what with its, epic looking movie called: 2012. 

But I think that what is going to happen to us, is probably not on everyones 'wanting to believe' thoughts. I mean the idea of Aliens is quite wonderful, to me. But to most people they don't even want to have such a thought. But I do think that this whole Alien business, is not yet to be put away.

I think that aliens have been around for much longer then most of us think. Everyday millions of people claim to have been abducted. And though most of them may be lies, I do believe that a lot of them a real, true, hard facts. And I think that the government keeps things from us, so that we can all sleep easier at night.

With that said, however, this is not really a blog about conspiracies, that will come later. This is a blog about 2012, and how I (Underline: I) think it will go.

I think that the stars in the sky will line up the same way is was when the calendar first was made, and I think this will knock the axis of earth off balance. Now, with that being said it can go both ways, the planet could then fall down into pure oblivion, having no real gravitational pull to keep it floating in where we are now in space. OR all of our electronic devices will no longer work. All of our computers, wireless internet, cell phones, everything...destroyed.

I do believe that aliens are who the Mayans called 'gods'. I do think that the 'Quetzecotal' god of time was in-fact a being from the outer limits of space. An alien who knew our fate before it had ever happened. Now most people will debate that this was all just a scene from Indiana Jones, but no it is not. These have always been my thoughts, and always will be.

I believe that these aliens have been trying to warn us for some time. Thinking and reading in all of my studies, most alien abductions talk about visions of our planet blowing up and the earth being destroyed. Most abductions claim to have the 'aliens' say something about the end of our days. Perhaps they have been warning us all along. 

The only way we believe is not by crazy ranting' of human beings, but evidence from ancient civilizations, before crazy was even an option.

Perhaps something will happen, but then again maybe it wont. All I know is what I feel, and I feel that the end is coming, it is only just a matter of time. 

Isn't it kind of funny.

Don't you think it's pretty funny how no matter what you do or say, the world always finds some kind of way to leave you in a pit of dust?

I mean lets think about it, shall we...

Looking at the recession that has been hitting our world ever so harshly, a lot of 'middle-class folk' have been finding themselves without a job and without any kind of payment to support the busy lifestyles and social lives.  

A lot of people have found themselves putting down things they really loved or putting a halt on a project that can stop you from gaining an income, to search the horizons for a job in which they are overqualified and underpaid for, however that is just all that is available. 

I speak from experience because my father, who has more then enough experience in the auto industry, was let go, simply because the company (which will remain nameless) had no more money to keep him. People loved him there, he had no enemies. He was a great worker and was always on time and worked hard. There was no reason that he was fired. Literally, the only reason was that the company had no money to keep him there.

I know he is not the only one but allow me to elaborate on why I brought him into this blog. He lost his job, my mother (divorce), his house, and his confidence. He was left in the dust to try and find a job that could keep his head above the water. Now he has a job in something I know he is much to smart for. He works in a factory, on shift work. And though it is a job and I am not complaining, his life deserves much better.

The problem with my father is that he has no education. He doesn't have any real learning experience other then the jobs that he has had and his high school diploma. This is troublesome, especially in a world that demands perfection.

The only jobs available are those that require education. They require something a little bit more then 20 years experience or a little night courses on the side. They demand a certificate. A piece of paper hanging over a desk that shows you have served your country and deserve the best job possible.

I am currently in my second year of college in Canada, and though it has been a roller coaster of emotions and empty pockets. I have learned quite a few things that I am sure will benefit me in the future, however, I have just received my tuition bill for my year of learning and needless to say, all of my savings cannot cover it.

My first year was expensive, but I had all of high school to dave for it. With the help of scholarships and hard earnings, I received my first year with no issues. Now, I am in trouble. Because over the summer, I was not able to obtain a job. The reason? Those who are now out of a job caused by this recession, are working the jobs that summer students work. Leaving none left for starving students who need money to make it in the world today.

The school demanding money, and me having more then half of it saved, doesn't have the other half. How do I do it?

The moral of my long and probably boring story is this: The world, no matter what you do, will always find a way to corner you. For me, the world dangled a well paying job in front of my face and said "Not without an education". But how, tell me please because I have no idea, how can I afford it? With my father out of a job and making minimum amounts. With my mother having to house me and my brother (who is still in high-school and has no job). How can I afford to go to school to get a good paying job to fix my debts?

OSAP doesn't do shit. Sorry to say. It helps, yes. But not until your halfway through your first semester, and unfortunately if you do not make your first payment, you can't go into your first semester. So your screwed with that one to. 

To succeed in this corporate jungle, you need an education, yet in order to get an education, you need money. 

Has the government or most of the education boards forgotten that most of us cannot afford it? And when we are out of school, and out on our own, we cannot afford to get our feet on the ground because we are still paying off, for some of us, thousands of dollars in school debts. 

What more do you want from us? What more do you want us to do? We thrive for acceptance and success. But we cannot get it without loosing so many things along the way. And what is this for? To benefit us? To prepare us for the future? Well thanks but I refuse to believe that the prices keep increasing on school tuition all because you want us to become responsible and to teach us about the future.

I think its because somewhere in that crazy jungle, people don't give a shit about students who want to learn, they only care about the money that is in their pockets. They take advantage of students and rape their minds of anything free and different. We learn to all be the same. 

Ever since kindergarden we have learned how to be socially excepted, through the ever-so-wonderful (at the time) games. The obeying the teacher taught us all how to obey our elders and take orders. Those of us who stood up for what we felt was wrong or right got silenced or sent to the corner. Yet if you fast forward into the future 20 years, that person who was bullying the little kids in the play ground is the head CEO of a company, because he stood up to the weak and now represents a company.

A little contradictory?

Now, don't get me wrong, if the class-idiot was punching some little kid in the face, I would be mad too and send them to a corner. And there are a lot of stories about how being nice to others will give you a better future, but lets be serious, the more nice you are, the more you get walked on. 

How can you teach someone to share and play nice with others, when in the future you tell them to fend for themselves. That the way to be successful is to take all the money you can and not share it with those who really need it.

Every christmas, some stores give out a Turkey and a christmas cake for free! Just for a good Samaritan during Christmas time. However you will find people standing a head of the line for a turkey, who really don't need it. They could buy 20 turkeys and be okay for the next months rent. But the man standing two people behind the rich man wont get a turkey because he wont make the cut. Why? Because the richer man budded him and feels that he(or she) deserves the turkey more. When in reality, he/she doesn't need it. And thats the way the world goes. Unfortunately. 

Its sad. And its cruel. But those who can't make the cut get left behind. All because someone up there has it out for them. 

The gas prices rise because the CEO of a gas company can't stand the thought of loosing money, so he'll charge more. Unfair, but true.

Which leads me back to my main point: No matter what you do, you will get screwed over in the corporate world. Because all the things that you learned in school and on those kids shows: sharing, doesn't get you anywhere. And even when you need help to cover your tuition fees, the teachers wont give you a chance to pay it. They don't care if you don't learn. They care about the money that you need to have this education. And without it, you will go nowhere. Which leads us to the recession that we are in. Well fuck me.